Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
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Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops