I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
You Might Also Like
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.