Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
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When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!