I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
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*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.