“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
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Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
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I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.