me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
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DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
2022 be like
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Uh oh…
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon