[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
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The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?