A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
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British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.