HELP 😭
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If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
LA today:
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*