THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
You Might Also Like
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.