“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
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*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Two types of dogs.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song