when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
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It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers