Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
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For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
You can’t outrun your problems…
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
For the ones in the back.