CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
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I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Me if I was a dog
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.