That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
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Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T