Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
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I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I like crazy people until they notice me
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Guantanamo Bae
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible