Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
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Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
meow
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system