I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
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A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Ron is short for Aaronald
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
“you changed” bro i was 15
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.