ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
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The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I love art.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time