Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
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Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Lmao the reply
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?