“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
A flock of dads is called a grill.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Smile they said.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
incredible
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”