Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
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ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Goodnight 🐶
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.