How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
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Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
the three genders
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime