Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
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Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.