I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
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I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆