[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
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*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I bet
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.