Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
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I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I love wikipedia
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.