ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
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Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.