I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
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Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Yep.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party