I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
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If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Hit me in the face with a bird
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.