Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
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Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Tier 3 meme
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”