What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
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Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!