*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
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Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER