Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
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Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Breaking news:
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.