My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
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Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.