Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
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[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Oh, I bet you would be
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
This will never not be funny 😭
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
The A string on my guit_r is flat