Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
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Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
This is my bus stop.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
My kitchen overserved me.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.