I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
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I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Oceanography is all about current events
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle