Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
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BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.