Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
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[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders