Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
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Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.