We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I’m not stressed
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries