Me: 馃幍 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 馃幍 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
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Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
When ur friends with white people
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they鈥檒l totally tell you they鈥檙e crazy.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don鈥檛 like you.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.