Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
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A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Yes, this is exactly right
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap