everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
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I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
…u ok Nintendo?