I used to be married, but I’m better now
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So creative 😂
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?