No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
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I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food