Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
You Might Also Like
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
👾👾👾
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit