*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
You Might Also Like
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
THIS HEADLINE
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
gentlemen, hear me out
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks