harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
You Might Also Like
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
he’s sick of your bullshit today
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.